Facing difficult emotions

Recently I have had two clients who decided not to continue coming to see me, at least  for a while, because they experienced some deeply difficult emotions during a session.  Having two in a row made me wonder if there was something wrong with what I was doing, but on reflection perhaps I should be wondering what I am doing right to allow the emotions to come up in the first place.  The more work I do that is energy-based or intuitive, the more I recognize that it is an extremely powerful tool for communicating with the body-mind of my client, and the fact is that sometimes old stuff comes up.

I too have been struggling with difficult and complicated emotions during this time, when my second child went off to college several states away.  I really acknowledged my feelings, and sorely needed time to allow them to be expressed, but having to function sufficiently to navigate around an unfamiliar city, catch a plane, and go home, didn't really allow me the space and time I needed to mourn.  I had to wait, but I also knew what was waiting for me.  At times there is certainly necessary to put your emotions aside so you can function -- but we also need to take the opportunity experience them.

The guides came through with a message about this yesterday, and I feel strongly that it was not just for me, but for all the people I know who are going through a rough patch now.  We all will at some point.

Dark nights of the soul do give way to the light again
if you allow the darkness to pass and don't hang onto it

"We do ourselves a great disservice in denying the expression of our emotions.  If the emotions are painful ones, if they speak to loss or longing; grief, regret; better to acknowledge that sharp edge of our existence, to know well the blade of that particular knife, than to muffle it and believe that by doing so we are somehow better or stronger for having muted our voices."

It is not up to me to change anyone's story, or decide for them that they have to confront their emotions.  But when the emotions and memories come up, I can listen, honor, and witness this part of our human journey.  I can hold a safe space for someone else, and I must hold that container for myself as well.

Se despertó el alma (My soul woke up)

This is a modification of a final paper I wrote for a class in curanderismo, or, indigenous Mexican folk medicine.  The word curar means to cure.  One who cures is a curandero, thus the art of healing is curanderismo.  This class is offered every summer at the University of New Mexico, and it includes visiting instructors and practitioners who come all the way from Oaxaca, Cuernavaca, and Mexico City as well as other locales in Mexico.  A group of over 40 practitioners came this time so they can be with us and make connections with the community here, and also so that we can make the connections with their universities and learning centers there.

I felt profoundly validated by their visit, and by the practitioners that I got to know a little bit while they were here.  

In New Mexico, people are very deeply motivated to assign you a spot in society because of your pedigree, whereas the Mexicans felt no such compunction.  Just as in the art world, where I am unable to show my art in the Spanish Market (even though I do the same traditional artwork) because I am not hispanic (although I married one) nor was I born in NM, so too the emphasis from several of the New Mexican practitioners was that I can't do this kind of work because I don't have the raíces, or roots.

Now I know the correct answer to that is "SO WHAT?"

Our Lady of Guadalupe, or Tonantzín.
I didn't know when I made this piece how prescient it would be.

The Mexican practitioners view with their hearts, not with their eyes focused on your bloodlines.  We are all sisters and brothers of the Light.  The Toltec/Mexican philosophy was strongly feminist as well, extremely empowering for women, and indeed, they are very upfront about the idea that humans and life and gender are all fluid and dual-natured, and that women by their nature start off with a lot more power to be curanderas than men do.

Best of all, I found out that there was no word for "god" or "goddess" in any mesoamerican language -- they used terms of "energy", "power", "force", "light".  What the Spanish incorrectly interpreted as gods are personifications of energy and natural forces.  Wow.  How different would our world be today if we had retained this ancient knowledge?

and now, on to the paper...

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Over the course of the last four years, I have been undergoing a process in my life that I like to describe as "my soul waking up".  I liken the awakening to a cosmic dope-slap, as if after half of my physical body's life had already passed, my spirit finally decided to reveal itself to my conscious mind.  This set off a chain reaction of tremendous proportions.   I took the course in curanderismo as a continuation of my research and journeying to explore and seek out explanations for what happened to me as well as where I, as a practitioner, fit into the spectrum of healing modalities.  Being able to meet with the curanderos from Mexico reassured me that I am not alone in the wilderness:  that the ability and skill to work with energy is not isolated to weirdos, new-age freaks, yogis, mystics, psychics, or witches (as is often perceived in America) but it is normal and healthy and (in some places in the world) respected and honored.  

When I first began to study herbalism and massage, I was more surprised than anyone when I found that I actually had the ability to sense the subtleties of the craniosacral rhythm and the energetic currents of the body, and not only could I sense them, but I could work with them to facilitate my clients' healing.  I gained mentors who could help me in developing those skills, and also began to meet other people (seemingly at random) who were extremely skilled in the uses of energy -- indigenous healers, psychics, channels, and other practitioners.  I must also note here that I had always been extremely skeptical of what I thought of as "pseudoscience" -- until "it" began to happen to me.  

A great battle began between my ego-driven, logical left brain, and the intuitive, spirit- and heart-centered right brain.  There were many times that I simply could not believe what I was witnessing in myself and in my clients.  And yet it was very real.  I did share visions with some clients.  I did connect with spiritual guides.  I did communicate without audibly speaking.  In order to respect and internalize these changes in myself, I have had to do a lot of work to recognize that no, I am not crazy.  This is real.  My spiritual life has evolved by many orders of magnitude.  

Quetzalcoatl, personification of the wind, Venus, arts, and knowledge

I experienced many times the same sense of wonder as Professor Cheo's revelations on Bell's Mountain (Torres, Eliseo:  Curandero.  University of New Mexico Press, 2005.  p. 26.)  And I too have recognized the need for myself to go slowly, to heed ancient rhythms, and really be present and listen, not only for my clients, but also for myself (ibid,  p. 130).  I see myself as a practitioner addressing the client as a whole person.  I ask about their home and work life, their support and self-care routines, their diet and exercise habits, their fears, worries, and joys.  I listen carefully.  I channel a positive loving energy to them, from the Universal Source, and I am a compassionate witness to their journey.  The references to the practitioner Chenchito (ibid.  p. 82), and how his compassionate approach began to work to relax his clients even before he touched them, really resonated with me. I have often felt that the most important thing that I do as a practitioner is to listen, not only to the words, but to the body and to the spirit.  Frequently, that alone is enough to allow the space for change or shift in the client.  I found the same great compassion in the practitioners as I received a sobada and a limpia at the UNM Health Fair.  Also, in speaking with many of them, I felt very validated in my own work. 

I was fascinated by the lectures by Dr. Ornelas, in that nearly everything he has spoken about, the Nahuatl concepts, are almost exactly the same as what I learned in my Polarity training -- most of which derives from Ayurveda.  To know that the ancient traditions are so similar despite being so geographically distant is astounding to me, and it speaks to the disconnect that we have as modern peoples, not only from the earth and the spirit, but also from each other as nations, as races, as individuals, and even from our own selves.   People are frequently living without really knowing or acknowledging themselves, and the work that the curanderos do is so necessary in our consumption-obsessed society -- the reintegration of people with their spirits.  The philosophy of duality in nature, in our human natures, and the integration of spiritual elements into our self-awareness is such a hugely important facet of this work.  I am very grateful to have learned and witnessed this in my life already, and to have it strengthened by the exposure given in the class.  I have a strong sense that this knowledge is something so innate in myself, so natural, that I have to wonder why I didn't figure it out until middle-age.

I also work with art, and feel that this is yet another avenue for people to learn to not only heal old wounds associated with self-judgement and external criticism, but also to learn to see the entire world differently, including their own lives.  I strongly believe that by encouraging people to express themselves visually, which accesses a different and deeper part of the brain than written or spoken language, we can effect deep psychological and even physical healing.  I do not know if there is any sense of harnessing that power in the curandero tradition, but certainly it can be another agent of deep change.

I very much appreciated the bodywork techniques, in particular for the muína and the empacho.  I was able to use the one for muína right away on a client, and she was astounded how good she felt afterwards.  These techniques, as well as the teas, the juice drinks, and the skin treatments, are all methods that I am very excited about sharing with my family and my clients.  Incorporating the symbolism of the elements into my practice is already important, and I can see after taking this class how I can strengthen my use of the elements in my work.

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I look forward to reuniting with the Mexican practitioners next year when they come up again.  There is a lot more that I could learn by deepening my understanding and knowledge of this energy-based medicine and by incorporating the philosophy deeper into my own being.

This is Ix Chel -- jaguar woman of medicine and midwifery.    My totem or power animal is Ix -- the jaguar.