the artistic process

Pareidolia:  a psychological phenomenon involving vague or random stimulus being perceived as significant or distinct.  Common examples:  seeing images of animals or faces in inanimate objects, or hearing hidden messages in reverse recordings.

Apophenia:  the experience of seeing meaningful patterns or connections in random or meaningless data.  In statistics, it is known as a Type I error.

According to Peter Brugger of the Department of Neurology, University Hospital, Zurich, "The propensity to see connections between seemingly unrelated objects or ideas most closely links psychosis to creativity ... apophenia and creativity may even be seen as two sides of the same coin."   (from the Skeptic's Dictionary)

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Am I Pathological?

Forms lie in wait in the splash of paint, in the patina of metal, in the fold of a cloth, or the tufts of a rug.  They wait until I am open to seeing them.  I can go for months, looking and not seeing, until one day everything is right and the forms leap out at me.  Once I have seen them, I cannot UN-see them.

In the same way, I feel surrounded by words that are waiting for me to write them down.  When I am ready to receive them, they come and demand a page to land on.  For what are words if not preserved somehow?  Evanescent, nebulous; they skitter away if I try too hard to grasp at them, but return insistently to this conduit, my hand, my pencil.

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maybe the words 

desire 

to be remembered

desire more of a permanence

than a passing thought

or half-heard intake 

of breath

written, there is a chance

that, perhaps, you

might come across them again

some day

when you

weren't

even looking

for 

them

"The forms already exist.  We choose to let them into our consciousness.  If we choose to see them, they become our responsibility."

Did you see me?  I was waiting for you.

"These are the words that I hear"

"words, like images, hover just beyond my conscious grasp.
they linger there but when i reach for them they vanish
only in keeping still do the words make sense
they alight in order, make sentences, until what needs to be said
is said"

the ego fears, but the spirit burns

the word 'love' has been cheapened for many years through its ubiquitous use in advertising and hyperbole.  i recall a wonderful scene in the movie, Roxanne, that has stuck with me through the years, in which the idea is presented:  how can we use the word love for a person, when people use it every day to describe their favorite detergent, a candy bar,  a new dress?

still from Roxanne.  Steve Martin ponders his words

at the same time as its use has become frivolous, the word still feels loaded like a gun -- with implications, complications, expiations, permutations, expectations.  how can i use this heavy word to describe my feelings when what i really feel is that i am graced by love in the same way as if a hummingbird would alight on my outstretched hand?  it is a live thing, untamed, beautiful, not mine to keep.  it might choose to leave at any time in search of brighter flowers or wider vistas.  i love people as i love that hummingbird, with a grateful and open heart; humbled and ecstatic at the same time.

this word, this love thing, usually to be taken as a sign of a contract, a commitment to conformity or steadiness -- now feels to me as elusive as that bird, or a wild deer.  only by keeping very still might that beauty approach me, and only with caution may it stay with me a while.

this is why i do not use that most overused phrase very often.  i dare not risk scaring off what is most precious to me.  love is that iridescent bird, the stag in the woods, and i the privileged one who waits for its approach, who is is grateful to be allowed  near its free spirit.

and on the other hand, consider passion:

the strange coexistence of the tender and tentative heart with the enthusiastically carnal body is an enigmatic puzzle.  something mysterious occurs as we grapple in bed, as if another force beyond us awakens and roars to life;  a voracious energy that wants to consume and be consumed simultaneously.  perhaps the goal is to merge, to abandon all division of male and female, giving and receiving, and simply to exist for precious moments in a glorious riot of pleasure.

Tantra, by Alex Grey

Facing difficult emotions

Recently I have had two clients who decided not to continue coming to see me, at least  for a while, because they experienced some deeply difficult emotions during a session.  Having two in a row made me wonder if there was something wrong with what I was doing, but on reflection perhaps I should be wondering what I am doing right to allow the emotions to come up in the first place.  The more work I do that is energy-based or intuitive, the more I recognize that it is an extremely powerful tool for communicating with the body-mind of my client, and the fact is that sometimes old stuff comes up.

I too have been struggling with difficult and complicated emotions during this time, when my second child went off to college several states away.  I really acknowledged my feelings, and sorely needed time to allow them to be expressed, but having to function sufficiently to navigate around an unfamiliar city, catch a plane, and go home, didn't really allow me the space and time I needed to mourn.  I had to wait, but I also knew what was waiting for me.  At times there is certainly necessary to put your emotions aside so you can function -- but we also need to take the opportunity experience them.

The guides came through with a message about this yesterday, and I feel strongly that it was not just for me, but for all the people I know who are going through a rough patch now.  We all will at some point.

Dark nights of the soul do give way to the light again
if you allow the darkness to pass and don't hang onto it

"We do ourselves a great disservice in denying the expression of our emotions.  If the emotions are painful ones, if they speak to loss or longing; grief, regret; better to acknowledge that sharp edge of our existence, to know well the blade of that particular knife, than to muffle it and believe that by doing so we are somehow better or stronger for having muted our voices."

It is not up to me to change anyone's story, or decide for them that they have to confront their emotions.  But when the emotions and memories come up, I can listen, honor, and witness this part of our human journey.  I can hold a safe space for someone else, and I must hold that container for myself as well.

Se despertó el alma (My soul woke up)

This is a modification of a final paper I wrote for a class in curanderismo, or, indigenous Mexican folk medicine.  The word curar means to cure.  One who cures is a curandero, thus the art of healing is curanderismo.  This class is offered every summer at the University of New Mexico, and it includes visiting instructors and practitioners who come all the way from Oaxaca, Cuernavaca, and Mexico City as well as other locales in Mexico.  A group of over 40 practitioners came this time so they can be with us and make connections with the community here, and also so that we can make the connections with their universities and learning centers there.

I felt profoundly validated by their visit, and by the practitioners that I got to know a little bit while they were here.  

In New Mexico, people are very deeply motivated to assign you a spot in society because of your pedigree, whereas the Mexicans felt no such compunction.  Just as in the art world, where I am unable to show my art in the Spanish Market (even though I do the same traditional artwork) because I am not hispanic (although I married one) nor was I born in NM, so too the emphasis from several of the New Mexican practitioners was that I can't do this kind of work because I don't have the raíces, or roots.

Now I know the correct answer to that is "SO WHAT?"

Our Lady of Guadalupe, or Tonantzín.
I didn't know when I made this piece how prescient it would be.

The Mexican practitioners view with their hearts, not with their eyes focused on your bloodlines.  We are all sisters and brothers of the Light.  The Toltec/Mexican philosophy was strongly feminist as well, extremely empowering for women, and indeed, they are very upfront about the idea that humans and life and gender are all fluid and dual-natured, and that women by their nature start off with a lot more power to be curanderas than men do.

Best of all, I found out that there was no word for "god" or "goddess" in any mesoamerican language -- they used terms of "energy", "power", "force", "light".  What the Spanish incorrectly interpreted as gods are personifications of energy and natural forces.  Wow.  How different would our world be today if we had retained this ancient knowledge?

and now, on to the paper...

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Over the course of the last four years, I have been undergoing a process in my life that I like to describe as "my soul waking up".  I liken the awakening to a cosmic dope-slap, as if after half of my physical body's life had already passed, my spirit finally decided to reveal itself to my conscious mind.  This set off a chain reaction of tremendous proportions.   I took the course in curanderismo as a continuation of my research and journeying to explore and seek out explanations for what happened to me as well as where I, as a practitioner, fit into the spectrum of healing modalities.  Being able to meet with the curanderos from Mexico reassured me that I am not alone in the wilderness:  that the ability and skill to work with energy is not isolated to weirdos, new-age freaks, yogis, mystics, psychics, or witches (as is often perceived in America) but it is normal and healthy and (in some places in the world) respected and honored.  

When I first began to study herbalism and massage, I was more surprised than anyone when I found that I actually had the ability to sense the subtleties of the craniosacral rhythm and the energetic currents of the body, and not only could I sense them, but I could work with them to facilitate my clients' healing.  I gained mentors who could help me in developing those skills, and also began to meet other people (seemingly at random) who were extremely skilled in the uses of energy -- indigenous healers, psychics, channels, and other practitioners.  I must also note here that I had always been extremely skeptical of what I thought of as "pseudoscience" -- until "it" began to happen to me.  

A great battle began between my ego-driven, logical left brain, and the intuitive, spirit- and heart-centered right brain.  There were many times that I simply could not believe what I was witnessing in myself and in my clients.  And yet it was very real.  I did share visions with some clients.  I did connect with spiritual guides.  I did communicate without audibly speaking.  In order to respect and internalize these changes in myself, I have had to do a lot of work to recognize that no, I am not crazy.  This is real.  My spiritual life has evolved by many orders of magnitude.  

Quetzalcoatl, personification of the wind, Venus, arts, and knowledge

I experienced many times the same sense of wonder as Professor Cheo's revelations on Bell's Mountain (Torres, Eliseo:  Curandero.  University of New Mexico Press, 2005.  p. 26.)  And I too have recognized the need for myself to go slowly, to heed ancient rhythms, and really be present and listen, not only for my clients, but also for myself (ibid,  p. 130).  I see myself as a practitioner addressing the client as a whole person.  I ask about their home and work life, their support and self-care routines, their diet and exercise habits, their fears, worries, and joys.  I listen carefully.  I channel a positive loving energy to them, from the Universal Source, and I am a compassionate witness to their journey.  The references to the practitioner Chenchito (ibid.  p. 82), and how his compassionate approach began to work to relax his clients even before he touched them, really resonated with me. I have often felt that the most important thing that I do as a practitioner is to listen, not only to the words, but to the body and to the spirit.  Frequently, that alone is enough to allow the space for change or shift in the client.  I found the same great compassion in the practitioners as I received a sobada and a limpia at the UNM Health Fair.  Also, in speaking with many of them, I felt very validated in my own work. 

I was fascinated by the lectures by Dr. Ornelas, in that nearly everything he has spoken about, the Nahuatl concepts, are almost exactly the same as what I learned in my Polarity training -- most of which derives from Ayurveda.  To know that the ancient traditions are so similar despite being so geographically distant is astounding to me, and it speaks to the disconnect that we have as modern peoples, not only from the earth and the spirit, but also from each other as nations, as races, as individuals, and even from our own selves.   People are frequently living without really knowing or acknowledging themselves, and the work that the curanderos do is so necessary in our consumption-obsessed society -- the reintegration of people with their spirits.  The philosophy of duality in nature, in our human natures, and the integration of spiritual elements into our self-awareness is such a hugely important facet of this work.  I am very grateful to have learned and witnessed this in my life already, and to have it strengthened by the exposure given in the class.  I have a strong sense that this knowledge is something so innate in myself, so natural, that I have to wonder why I didn't figure it out until middle-age.

I also work with art, and feel that this is yet another avenue for people to learn to not only heal old wounds associated with self-judgement and external criticism, but also to learn to see the entire world differently, including their own lives.  I strongly believe that by encouraging people to express themselves visually, which accesses a different and deeper part of the brain than written or spoken language, we can effect deep psychological and even physical healing.  I do not know if there is any sense of harnessing that power in the curandero tradition, but certainly it can be another agent of deep change.

I very much appreciated the bodywork techniques, in particular for the muína and the empacho.  I was able to use the one for muína right away on a client, and she was astounded how good she felt afterwards.  These techniques, as well as the teas, the juice drinks, and the skin treatments, are all methods that I am very excited about sharing with my family and my clients.  Incorporating the symbolism of the elements into my practice is already important, and I can see after taking this class how I can strengthen my use of the elements in my work.

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I look forward to reuniting with the Mexican practitioners next year when they come up again.  There is a lot more that I could learn by deepening my understanding and knowledge of this energy-based medicine and by incorporating the philosophy deeper into my own being.

This is Ix Chel -- jaguar woman of medicine and midwifery.    My totem or power animal is Ix -- the jaguar.

"We called it trippy..."

Yesterday, I was privileged to work on two fellow massage therapists, both of whom wanted craniosacral work.  I was able to really tune into their systems, and had some "hits", both auditory and visual, that really resonated with them -- and not just resonated, but at least one of which was an actual sharing of a mental image.

I do not know or understand the exact mechanism by which this works.  The latest research in massage indicates that by using skin to skin contact, our nervous systems are speaking directly to each other.  I do know that it is not a consistent ability of mine;  I have to be really clear and focused, and energetically ready, for it all to occur.  It always astonishes me when it works, and humbles me when I am able to be the channel for the Universal Source Energy for the best and highest good of the person on my table.  It is part of why I have the words "I Love" tattooed on my arm.

After my second client had asked me to share what I "saw" and felt during the session, we shared some observations and feedback.  She remarked that she had really enjoyed learning about CST in massage school.  I said, "It's weird stuff!  I don't know how or why, but it really happens!"  and that was when she said, "We called it 'trippy'."  Yes, it IS.

Cranial work is trippy.  It is amazing.  It is powerful stuff.  There is so much more out there that I do not claim to understand, but just as I do not understand how my computer works, or my internal combustion engine, I can still use them.  I wish that more people could know about the wonderful Universe that we are a part of.

Connecting the dots

There are a lot of topics that I have been thinking about lately.  Aging and the good death, for one, due to not only the recent death of a good friend, but also my work in an assisted living facility.  The torpor of spring, when really I think I ought to be feeling re-invigorated.  The strange world of channeling and intuitive healing.  Separations and reunions, expansion and contraction, lost and found...  But what really finally broke my lethargy with respect to the writing was an intense somatic experience I had yesterday on the massage table.

message from Los Angeles

I must preface this with another story.  Two years ago, I had been working at my first massage position for a few months, when one day (in the spring or summer, around this time of year) I had a terrible headache.  I asked my boss to work on my neck and shoulder, but it didn't really seem to help.  I could feel an awful grief locked up in my shoulder (this was right around the time my divorce went to trial, and my eldest daughter was about to graduate from high school), and so we went for a second round of massage later in the afternoon.  Something got triggered out of my levator muscle that ended up making me feel as if I were in labor again, terrible, awful labor -- I cried my heart out and yelled and thrashed around for at least an hour before it was all over, then slept for several hours.  I felt better, but still disoriented and woozy, but with a lot of relief.  I told my mentor, Judy, about what had happened, because I didn't understand it.  She asked me how many kids I had -- and when I replied that I had given birth to 3, she said, "Well, good, you'll only have to do this twice more then."  I thought, no way.  That was bad enough!  I already gave birth to them once, why do I have to do it again?

And still, I did not put the pieces together until yesterday, when I understood.

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About a month ago, I took my high-school-senior daughter (and my 8th grade son) on a road trip to the west coast to look at colleges that she'd been accepted to, so that she could get an idea of where she really wanted to go.  We got to see it in the worst possible weather, a huge rainstorm having enveloped more or less the entire coast and dumping 14 inches of rain everywhere we went.

a relatively clear view, believe it or not

We had flown into Seattle, and proceeded to drive down to Los Angeles over the course of the next ten days, touring schools in Seattle, Tacoma, Portland, and San Francisco.  Then we flew home from LA, after visiting one of my oldest and dearest friends.  She eventually decided to go to the San Francisco Art Institute.

my kids and their "uncle"

The rental car we drove had no cruise control (!) and sad as it is to admit, I have gotten used to such amenities during long drives.  My right leg and hip got quite crampy without the ability to switch positions, stretch, or shift at all.  The pain became persistent even after we returned home again, and so I ended up seeing one of my colleagues/mentors to work in my pelvis and psoas area.  After the first treatment, I felt wonderfully free in the hip, and then I booked again for a treatment the following week to sort of 'seal it in'.  That treatment provoked a lot of shifting in the low back again, and I felt really great.  About two weeks later, however, I fell into a deep hole while chasing the neighbor's dogs back into their own yard in the middle of the night.  That caused me a great deal of misery, not only where I hit the dirt, but all over -- the sprawled-out shoulders, the knees, the hip, just OW all over.

The pelvic pain got so severe that it would wake me up from a sound sleep, so strong that it made it difficult even to breathe.  So I got back on the table with Jennifer.  As she worked deep into the pelvic area, we could feel the incredible toughness of certain points.  They were painful, but I felt that it was better just to get the work done and get the relief that I sought.  At a certain point, I consciously asked for help from my guides to remove these blockages.  At the same time, I was struck by the thought that this was so painful I really wanted to cry.  As I gave myself permission to cry from the pain, the tough spots began to loosen.  As they loosened, I suddenly recognized that I didn't want my baby girl to go away.  And as I voiced this to Jennifer, I started sobbing for real.  She talked me though this, massaged my womb, my lower belly, nest of the babies, and we both mourned the way we lose our babies from our bodies and our lives.  

I told her -- we gestate our babies for nine months, we lose them from within our bodies, and then we get rewarded for our pains with a beautiful new life to nurture... and then we gestate them for another 18 years, only to lose them to the world.  It is beautiful to see them fly off, to know that we have done the best we could, and to watch our children grow and take on their own challenges, live their own lives, create their own stories, and all that.  In my mind and my heart, I KNOW THIS.  But in my body, it is apparently another story.  I didn't "get it" until this second occurrence happened, that the link between these repetitions of the birthing pains is my body's visceral reaction to my children's growing up, when I have to let them go all over again.  Two years ago, I had to let go of my eldest child.  Now, the middle one.... so now I am waiting for the time, four years from now, when I will have to do this again to be able to let go of my son.  

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One of the things we are recognizing more and more is that bodywork has the ability to facilitate mental and emotional changes.  When my hands, with their thousands of nerve endings, are touching a body, with its thousands of nerve endings, our brains end up communicating with each other directly.  We are touching the central nervous system, asking our client's brain to change its response to the tissues of the body in order for the client's own body to heal itself.  The brain stores a virtual map of the body within itself, and we are literally asking the brain to change the map:  in order to relieve pain, inflammation, etc.  The emotions are stored very close to, if not actually on, the same exact map... and so, sometimes great emotional releases accompany the physical ones.  The bodymind truly is one structure.  We all need to be reminded at times of the power of the interconnectedness.  And, not to forget the spirit and its connection to the bodymind:  we are complex creatures, spiritual in nature, with unmeasurable aspects and at times unfathomable capabilities.

Be peaceful.

A new year

On Christmas Eve, I went through a spiritual cleansing that removed the demons of doubt and loss of faith and fear of 'not making it', and I was told that for three days, Jesus himself was within me to help me through some of the effects of the experience.  On Christmas morning I had a wonderful vision that I know was a spiritual gift to me, and I am still figuring out what to do with it.  For now, all I can do is sit with it and let the meaning come to me.  (In case you are wondering, I had the distinct vision and physical sensation of growing a large pair of grey wings.  They are still there)

I have had, over the last few years, a whole lot of spiritual questions and experiences, which is odd for me because I was never really a very spiritual person until a couple of years ago.  Or, rather, let me say that my experience of spirituality was strongly curtailed and censored in my childhood by a father who was controlling and rigid; and not very understanding of the foibles and quirks of humanity and Source. As a child, I understood that everything and everyone has a spirit;  that the rocks and the trees, and of course all the animals and flowers, all have a spirit.  I was told that was superstitious and wrong.  It was wrong because if everything had a spirit, then I would have to spend all my time propitiating the spirits so that nothing bad would happen to me.  That was not the way I understood things, but since that was what I was told by my father, I accepted his version as the truth instead.  (After all, what does a little girl know?  How could I be right and he be wrong?  I certainly never saw that as a possibility until I was a middle aged woman.)

I do enjoy it when I meet a person, especially a religious leader like a priest,  who seems to have a grasp of what being connected to God or Source really means -- and is not just concerned with the paperwork of fulfilling their administrative duties or perfunctorily counseling people with no depth of understanding or hearing confessions because it's what they have to do (not that they have any feeling for it).  Too many religious leaders (and followers, I must add) make religious practice into something rote to say and do that fulfills some sense of duty, but how many people really find their hearts soaring (or quaking!) like they might when they really encounter the Spirit of Love?

The first time I ever met someone who embodies Love, I was scared sh*tless.  I understood finally the story of the shepherds in the bible when the angels come to them and they were "sore afraid".  It is scary to stand in the presence of Unconditional Love when you have never seen it before.  It took me a long time to unfold myself, peel enough layers of protection off myself, to be able to look him in the eyes and speak from my heart.  But with his help and support over time, now I too am more able to Be Love in my own life, for my family, for my sweetheart, for my clients.  And the changes are tangible for everyone.

In my experience, all the religions, both ancient and modern, approach the ineffable, but fall short because we are merely human, and not every soul is evolved or can recognize that there is truth to be found everywhere.  As well, probably about 95% of the leaders and adherents of every church are very rigid in their faith as well -- the tribalism of religion is one of the many ways that people exert power over each other and control the group, rather than recognizing the simple truth that we have only a few real choices here on earth:  

1)  live in Love, or live in Fear

2)  live in Compassion, or live in Indifference 

3)  live in Truth, or live in Deception

and the other thing that is very clear to me is that we get lots of chances to learn our lessons and evolve -- not just one lifetime but as many as it takes to 'get it'.  

If we are awake, and aware, and desirous of momentous change in our lives and the lives of those we care about, we all have the capacity to live these three truths.  May we all have an abundantly blessed year, evolve our thinking and being, and strive always to do our best and hold ourselves in compassion and respect as much as we do for others.