Recently, in my local newspaper, there was an opinion piece printed about the EVILS OF DIVORCE. I know this strays off my general topic of bodywork etc., but as a divorced woman, I felt that I had to respond to this not only in the newspaper but also here on the blog. The tangential relationship to my work here is that bodywork literally saved my life -- if I hadn't experienced the transformative effect of massage, I quite honestly might have killed myself, or died of stress -- and stayed in the very situation that was so harmful to me and my children.
Unfortunately, I cannot find an online copy or link to the original piece, (I will add a link if I can find one) but the basic premise is that there is no such thing as a happy marriage, so you better get used to it. And furthermore, if you divorce, you better be prepared to be a lonely old woman with all your kids in jail or other trouble, and that they will totally resent you for breaking up the happy family you had. Also, that once the kids have all grown up and moved out, that your lazy uncooperative sumbitch husband will mellow out and you can enjoy your golden years together basking in your loving family atmosphere.
The essay went on for a full newspaper page, and was so infuriating that I was actually made nearly speechless by it.
I am posting my full reply here: I cut some of it down when I submitted it to the newspaper.
12 November 2011
To the editors
I am not only shocked but also appalled by The Little Red Hen's lengthy opinion piece that ran in the Wednesday (16 November) News Bulletin. I am so appalled, in fact, that it has taken me several days just to regain my composure enough to write a response. I used to rather enjoy reading her columns when she spoke about the difficulties of living in a foreign country, and how her American-ness got in the way sometimes. However, this rant about the EVILS OF DIVORCE just went beyond the pale.
Yes, I am divorced. No, it was not an easy decision or one taken lightly. I lived for nearly 20 years with my husband, and I prayed long and hard for at least 15 of those years to "be a better wife, make the peace, do what's best for the children, love my husband", etc etc. I went into a suicidal depression four years into the marriage, that lasted 5 years, but even that was not enough of a wake-up call for me. It took ten more years and a body that got very ill in order for me to begin to figure out that my marriage was killing me.
And what about all the sermons in church, praising the godliness of the intact family? Do you think that this doesn't hurt a woman or a man in the heart, when they are doing their best to figure out what the hell went wrong in their lives that they ended up like this?
I was not the first woman to get married to this charmer, and I probably will not be the last. I was taken in completely by his claims of victimization at the hands of his first wife, and lived every day trying to be a much better partner for him, so smug was I in my state of righteousness that I was the "right wife" for this man. He was the wounded soul, and I was his rescuer. I wouldn't hear the truths that were spoken by his ex-wife. I wouldn't see the many red flags that were erected all around me. I was willfully ignorant because of my love for him, and my desires to help him and his children, to take care of them all, to bail him out of his financial woes, to enable him to pursue his dreams, and to prove to myself that all those bad things didn't matter. I learned to do a lot of damage control, to smooth things over when he had offended someone, to navigate the treacherous waters of our marriage.
In order to survive, I learned to be secretive, to take my own pleasures and needs without him. I was no angel and no saintly martyr. Living with an abuser taught me very well how to be abusive right back at him. I felt sick, ugly, and ashamed and so very hurt all the time. I completely lost myself. That recognition of what I had become, finally, along with my failing physical body, was what propelled me into therapy yet again, to unravel the tangled knot, and to stop being an abusive wife to my abusive husband. It became clear that the most compassionate thing I could do was to separate myself from him, so we could stop the cycle.
And you know, it wasn't all bad, all those years…. we did have some very wonderful times. We have three terrific children. We got to travel a little, we owned our own businesses, we lived an unconventional life. But when the bad outweighs the good, and every day you are praying for the strength to love your partner, to do what's right, to just get through ONE MORE DAY… when your children are negatively affected by the high level of tension in the home… when they'd rather run away than be with you -- you better wake up and figure out what's wrong. And sometimes, yes, divorce has to be a part of the answer.
Divorce does not mean your kids will be jailbirds. It does not mean that they will be in trouble at school. It does not mean that the woman will end up trapped in loneliness. It CAN mean that the woman gives a good example to her children about how to stand up for themselves. It can mean that growth and change sometimes means we have to part ways with someone we used to love. It can mean that we grow stronger as a result. And it can mean that we open ourselves up to healthy relationships with our authentic selves as well as with others. And it definitely means that the true self shows up during the process. I found out that my ex husband really wasn't the good father that I imagined he was. He found out that I was a lot stronger than he suspected. And I found out that I was also a lot stronger than I knew.
It sounds from the column, that you, Ms. Smith, take a dim view of men in general. Well, I actually don't. I believe that in the majority, men are decent and kind, and that they want to do the right thing for their wives and their children. I believe that most men are not lazy, non-participating, uncooperative, or intent on making a woman's life difficult. And furthermore, I believe that under the right circumstances, with the right partner, everyone is capable of being their best… or their worst.
I still believe that marriage is a good thing. We are social animals, and in many ways we are designed to be partnered. It takes fortitude and patience and a good sense of humor to be married. It takes dedication, compassion, and good communication. When those elements are missing, the marriage cannot last. But I can tell you, being divorced is not the end of the world. Sometimes it can be the beginning.
