Nature is so resilient

The garden says hello!

The early months of 2011 were some of the coldest times I have ever experienced.  It's quite rare in central New Mexico to get down to single digits, let alone way below zero, and yet we still got to experience some hideously cold weather.  Many people suffered broken pipes and loss of water:  many parts of NM even lost their natural gas supply because the cold knocked out the transport pumps in Texas.  So overall, a very hard time for people.  The plants suffered too.

I was very gratified to see that mostly my trees had survived the harsh winter.  I did lose a few plants, but you know, that's the price of being a gardener.  And then after the weirdly cold winter, we also had an unusually early and warm spring.

At the beginning of May, things were looking good.  My trees and bushes had already flowered, and many had set fruit already.  Too early, I know, and I feared that a frost would get them, but in general,  I was optimistic.

We irrigated one day, and that night we had the first of two straight days of killing frost (temperatures in the low 20s). The plants lived through the first one, because we had a lot of standing water still on the ground, which protected them.  But….. not the second night.  My mulberry trees, the golden rain tree, the giant flowering crab apple tree next door -- lost all their leaves.  All my blackberry bushes, the buddleias, the vitex, and the spanish broom died back completely to the ground.  My poor plum trees, which had been absolutely full of sets, lost 100% of their fruit, as did the apricot and the cherry trees.  It was a sad time.

However, by some miracle, the apples held onto their fruit, and they are growing well now.  The blackberries came up from the roots, and the flowering shrubs are making an effort to come back as well.  Last week when I was mowing the lawn, I saw that not only had the currants also managed to hang on, but they were RIPE!!  (In the next few days, I was also gifted also with several bags of apricots, and the opportunity to go pick a tree's worth from a friend who will be out of town when they ripen.  Hooray!!)

jewels among the greenery

People who know me know that I am the Jam Queen.  I am immortalized on the internet.  (scroll through the uploads, he's made quite a few extolling my preserves)  And so, how could I resist this opportunity for the first foray of the year into making preserves?  I recently heard of a very elegant type of french currant preserve called Bar le Duc, which is supposed to make a wonderful dressing for game and fowl.  So, I decided to forgo the usual recipes from the pectin box, and try this one out.  It was described as a wine-red syrup with the berries suspended delicately in it -- well, mine did not turn out quite that beautiful, but it is delicious.  

Bar le Duc, Los Lunas style

mmmmmmm. apricot jam.
 a ray of sunshine all year long

In picking the fruit, I was mindful of how harsh the winter had been, and amazed at how well the plants not only lived, but thrived.  When plants are stressed, they can often respond with a flush of new growth.  And yes, they may lose their fruit, but the plants themselves survive.  What a good metaphor for how we as humans make it through the worst times of our lives.  And yes, there are times and circumstances that do just completely kill a plant, and situations that completely demoralize a human.  Some people, like some plants, just do not seem to have the resilience to rise again, and they remain stuck in bad situations, with bad relationships, unsuitable jobs, messed up families, until eventually this becomes their story.

We probably all know at least one of these people:  the ones for whom nothing good ever happens (at least in their view).  They are the ones who can suck the life out of a celebration because everyone else feels guilty for being happy while that person in present.  The co-worker who can only complain and is envious of your every success; the 'friend' who cannot ever manage to find the right romantic partner and hates everyone you date;  the person in your life who always is capable of making you feel bad about anything you do, just so they can feel superior to you; the unfortunates who travel continually under a little black cloud that rains disaster on them all the time.  They may be lugubrious people or cheerful despite their circumstances, but for whatever reason, they continually attract the worst, maybe because they expect the worst…. or feel that they don't deserve anything better than the worst.  And often they don't want you to feel good either.

(IMPORTANT NOTE:  I am not speaking here of people who suffer from legitimate mental illnesses, such as depression, or PTSD.  Those are medical conditions in which the body/mind become stuck in a chemical feedback loop which can indeed necessitate medical intervention to halt the cycle and change it.  As a survivor myself of a long and suicidal clinical depression, I do understand how devastating these conditions are.  I am speaking here of the people around us who want to drain our happiness from us.)

As long as a person is alive, they have the possibility to make change.  We have so many opportunities to make choices every day, from what to wear, what to eat, who our friends are, how much energy to put into any effort we make, and most of all how we respond to the world and to the people around us.  We are the creators of our lives, and we always have the choice to act positively, and re-act to external situations in ways that help us instead of hurt us, to find opportunities to learn in trying circumstances, and to be appreciative of what we do have.  It is our own choice to be a victim or a survivor.

We can respond to stress negatively by remaining stuck, or we can respond positively -- with a flush of new growth.  Think of Henri Matisse, who responded to his increasing blindness by changing media and making his collages.  Many cancer survivors write books or find other bursts of creativity.  Not to forget Beethoven, writing his 9th symphony when completely deaf.  (or me, your humble blogger, who in coping with the painful wreckage of my marriage and divorce, decided to write...)

Be strong.  Be resilient.  Learn from your experiences.  Come back from the roots.  Be a force for good.  Be love.

"From the ashes of disaster grow the roses of success."

Natural wonders

Getting out into nature always restores me.  I think it is altogether too easy for people to forget to go outside and really look around.  Most times, people have some kind of agenda, no matter where they are or what they are doing.  I like to use my time outside to notice the little things.  Yes, I might be walking for exercise, or pulling weeds out of the garden, but does that mean I cannot stop and look at the variety of beauty around me?  

I was talking with one of my clients this morning, and remarking on the smoky skies and brilliant sunsets, and it turned out she hadn't seen anything, because she goes outside so rarely.  I guess she doesn't look out the window much either.  And that is a shame.

Above is a double larkspur, a sport, or natural variation, that showed up in my garden.  I am going to collect seeds from this one to see if it breeds true next year.  The day-lilies are also pretty spectacular this year

This little guy showed up in my path as I went hiking up El Cerro Tomé last week.  I haven't seen a horned lizard in forever.On the same walk, as we approached the top of the hill, we saw a group of vultures sunning themselves.  It was fascinating to watch how they moved and extended their wings in unison, as if they were in a yoga or tai-chi class.

Beauty is all around us.

FEAR, or, What are we afraid of, anyway?

Sunset, 13 June 2011  (photos by E. Santistevan)

We can walk into the pinkish gray sunset with joy in our hearts that finally, finally the world as we thought we knew it is ending.  I am betting that this is a plot and am hoping that I can get that starring role I've always longed for.  (email to me from my boyfriend)

The fires in Arizona have produced a lot of smoke in the air, making sunrises and sunsets that look very odd.  One night there was an entirely yellow sky, which gave me a visceral sense of fear that I have never known before:  the fear that comes when something you have always held to be true is totally changed -- like a yellow sky instead of blue.  And yet, here is this beauty of picturing the end of the world as we thought we knew it -- and seeing a world in which we are totally free to write our own roles.

Sunrise over the Sandia Mountains, 11 June 2011

The last few weeks have been providing me with many opportunities for transformation, for letting go of old fears, and recognizing patterns that aren't helpful.  It seems that a scheduling pile-up brought me a whole lot of bodywork and sound therapy that provoked *whew* a whole lotta change in a very short amount of time.  I went around weepy and confused for forever, it felt like, although in reality it was only about 10 days.

So, what kind of work put me to the test?   I was having acupuncture to deal with a change in my orthotics (devices that I wear in my shoes), and by gum, all the sore points she identified had to do with fear and indecision.  Hmmmm.   I had a polarity treatment, and a session of Himalayan Singing Bowls, both of which changed my core vibration.  In the midst of all that, I also attended a workshop on Emotional Freedom Technique, in which you tap on various acupuncture points to desensitize yourself to negative thinking and replace those thoughts with positive ones.

For the Bowl treatment, my practitioner-friend likes always to work with intention, and to "dream big".   She asked me, "What would freaking change your life if it came true?"  I had already been doing some thinking about stuff in my life, and I came up with wanting to change my constant deflection of praise and positive feedback from people. So my intention became, "I accept and welcome all forms of positive energy that come to me." 

One of the things we were asked to do in the EFT workshop was to think about abundance, specifically wealth, and to try the experiment of tapping for 30 days.  Well, I didn't get rich yet, but I was able to cut through some very limiting beliefs in a very short amount of time.  Where the thoughts led to was very interesting.

In my life, I have come close enough to dying enough times that the thought of actually dying is not bothersome to me.   It's pretty peaceful right there in that space.  (The journey of getting there isn't usually too fun, though, of course.  If I were a cat, I think I'd be on life number 6 or so.) However, in thinking about "abundance", especially in terms of money, I found that one of my fears surrounding money is that if I were to have a lot of it, I might be perceived as "the other" by my friends -- as "different" -- and what are those traits we usually associate with wealthy people:  arrogance? pride? snootiness?  nothing good…   traits which would probably lead to rejection by my peer group.  Not only did money provoke that reaction in me, but other positive aspects of myself did too -- intelligence, vitality, sexiness, exuberance -- all of which have made people uncomfortable and want to distance themselves from me at various times in my life.  Another aspect of that is having people want to take advantage of my time and energy, and not provide an equal and fair exchange for it.

When I examine other aspects of my life, all the way back to childhood, I see that the overarching theme of my life has been to avoid rejection.  In my family, in my groups of friends as a youth, in my marriage and other relationships, I almost always did my best to stifle those aspects of myself which might cause others to reject me.  I didn't always do a good job of that.  Being rejected really hurts.  As my very astute friend M. said, in indigenous groups of people, as well as in herds of animals, to be rejected means to be dead, because you rely on your group for protection.  So I guess I was afraid of death after all.  

After these weeks of meditation and contemplation, I feel that I have come a really long way in not only releasing those particular fears, but also more fully accepting myself and loving the way I am.  I recognize that not only did I deflect compliments as a form of positive energetic exchange, I also deflected money:  I undervalued my skills, my services, my artwork.  And while I have not raised my rates yet, I know that what I do is very valuable, and that eventually, I will be willing and able to charge what I am worth, and the clients will be happy to pay me for my time.  I recognize the abundance of love that exists in my life, all that I have, and the wonderful new space and mind-set that I have created.  More importantly, I know that I do not have to associate myself with people who want to limit me just so they can feel good about themselves.  This means I can let go of situations, people, and relationships that aren't good for me much more easily, because I can see more clearly which side of the spectrum they fall on.  

THAT is the point of loving without attachment:  knowing when to let go, knowing that it is the compassionate thing to do for both parties.  And being at peace about it all.

                                       ***************************************

Another layer has been unwound, pulling the threads that lead to the core.  Out of that turmoil came some other realizations for me:  I need space and time to create art and to write;  I need to have an office space that is an oasis for myself and my clients;  I need space and time for my friends and family; I need the space of nature and beauty around me.  Now that I can articulate those needs, I can set my intentions for my life.  

painting by me, May 2011

And returning to the idea I started with at the beginning of this essay, perhaps the best thing we can do for ourselves is truly imagine the end of the world as we think we understand it, and feel the freedom to create our new reality as we desire it.  Let go of our limitations, and set the intention of beauty and abundance for ourselves and the world!  

After all, what would freaking change your life if it came true?