FEAR, or, What are we afraid of, anyway?

Sunset, 13 June 2011  (photos by E. Santistevan)

We can walk into the pinkish gray sunset with joy in our hearts that finally, finally the world as we thought we knew it is ending.  I am betting that this is a plot and am hoping that I can get that starring role I've always longed for.  (email to me from my boyfriend)

The fires in Arizona have produced a lot of smoke in the air, making sunrises and sunsets that look very odd.  One night there was an entirely yellow sky, which gave me a visceral sense of fear that I have never known before:  the fear that comes when something you have always held to be true is totally changed -- like a yellow sky instead of blue.  And yet, here is this beauty of picturing the end of the world as we thought we knew it -- and seeing a world in which we are totally free to write our own roles.

Sunrise over the Sandia Mountains, 11 June 2011

The last few weeks have been providing me with many opportunities for transformation, for letting go of old fears, and recognizing patterns that aren't helpful.  It seems that a scheduling pile-up brought me a whole lot of bodywork and sound therapy that provoked *whew* a whole lotta change in a very short amount of time.  I went around weepy and confused for forever, it felt like, although in reality it was only about 10 days.

So, what kind of work put me to the test?   I was having acupuncture to deal with a change in my orthotics (devices that I wear in my shoes), and by gum, all the sore points she identified had to do with fear and indecision.  Hmmmm.   I had a polarity treatment, and a session of Himalayan Singing Bowls, both of which changed my core vibration.  In the midst of all that, I also attended a workshop on Emotional Freedom Technique, in which you tap on various acupuncture points to desensitize yourself to negative thinking and replace those thoughts with positive ones.

For the Bowl treatment, my practitioner-friend likes always to work with intention, and to "dream big".   She asked me, "What would freaking change your life if it came true?"  I had already been doing some thinking about stuff in my life, and I came up with wanting to change my constant deflection of praise and positive feedback from people. So my intention became, "I accept and welcome all forms of positive energy that come to me." 

One of the things we were asked to do in the EFT workshop was to think about abundance, specifically wealth, and to try the experiment of tapping for 30 days.  Well, I didn't get rich yet, but I was able to cut through some very limiting beliefs in a very short amount of time.  Where the thoughts led to was very interesting.

In my life, I have come close enough to dying enough times that the thought of actually dying is not bothersome to me.   It's pretty peaceful right there in that space.  (The journey of getting there isn't usually too fun, though, of course.  If I were a cat, I think I'd be on life number 6 or so.) However, in thinking about "abundance", especially in terms of money, I found that one of my fears surrounding money is that if I were to have a lot of it, I might be perceived as "the other" by my friends -- as "different" -- and what are those traits we usually associate with wealthy people:  arrogance? pride? snootiness?  nothing good…   traits which would probably lead to rejection by my peer group.  Not only did money provoke that reaction in me, but other positive aspects of myself did too -- intelligence, vitality, sexiness, exuberance -- all of which have made people uncomfortable and want to distance themselves from me at various times in my life.  Another aspect of that is having people want to take advantage of my time and energy, and not provide an equal and fair exchange for it.

When I examine other aspects of my life, all the way back to childhood, I see that the overarching theme of my life has been to avoid rejection.  In my family, in my groups of friends as a youth, in my marriage and other relationships, I almost always did my best to stifle those aspects of myself which might cause others to reject me.  I didn't always do a good job of that.  Being rejected really hurts.  As my very astute friend M. said, in indigenous groups of people, as well as in herds of animals, to be rejected means to be dead, because you rely on your group for protection.  So I guess I was afraid of death after all.  

After these weeks of meditation and contemplation, I feel that I have come a really long way in not only releasing those particular fears, but also more fully accepting myself and loving the way I am.  I recognize that not only did I deflect compliments as a form of positive energetic exchange, I also deflected money:  I undervalued my skills, my services, my artwork.  And while I have not raised my rates yet, I know that what I do is very valuable, and that eventually, I will be willing and able to charge what I am worth, and the clients will be happy to pay me for my time.  I recognize the abundance of love that exists in my life, all that I have, and the wonderful new space and mind-set that I have created.  More importantly, I know that I do not have to associate myself with people who want to limit me just so they can feel good about themselves.  This means I can let go of situations, people, and relationships that aren't good for me much more easily, because I can see more clearly which side of the spectrum they fall on.  

THAT is the point of loving without attachment:  knowing when to let go, knowing that it is the compassionate thing to do for both parties.  And being at peace about it all.

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Another layer has been unwound, pulling the threads that lead to the core.  Out of that turmoil came some other realizations for me:  I need space and time to create art and to write;  I need to have an office space that is an oasis for myself and my clients;  I need space and time for my friends and family; I need the space of nature and beauty around me.  Now that I can articulate those needs, I can set my intentions for my life.  

painting by me, May 2011

And returning to the idea I started with at the beginning of this essay, perhaps the best thing we can do for ourselves is truly imagine the end of the world as we think we understand it, and feel the freedom to create our new reality as we desire it.  Let go of our limitations, and set the intention of beauty and abundance for ourselves and the world!  

After all, what would freaking change your life if it came true?