For today, I just want to leave you with a reminder that being authentic is not a luxury. It is a matter of life and death. It’s better to authentically suck than to inauthentically excel. It’s that big a deal. Otherwise you end up trapped in a persona that will never feed you. You get praised for stuff you’re not really proud of and your real self starves for attention. And then you get sick and die. Or you go crazy. Or you drive into oncoming traffic or jump off a bridge or hang yourself. Or you commit the slow suicide of addiction.
Because you’re not showing who you really are. And so you are not being loved for who you really are. And who you really are slowly starts to die.
-- Carey Tennis
That was me. Not too long ago, too. I was the one dying because the authentic me was not being loved or appreciated. I didn't know where it even was, or if I had even ever had the chance to be my authentic self. It seems that my whole life was spent trying to please someone else, someone more powerful than myself, so that I would be acceptable, fit in, have a social group of some kind. Four decades trying to please my parents. Two decades trying to make a poor marriage work. Suicidal depression. Physical illness.
No one is at fault here except myself, because I was the one who got lost and strayed so far from my authentic self that I needed professional psychiatric and psychologic help to get back, as well as a whole lot of work on my own part to explore myself, examine my own history, connect the dots.
Now I have had three years of increasing awareness. Three years of learning to love myself. Three years of study and introspection. I went back to school to learn other things, and came out with a deep respect for humanity and an ability to finally begin to forgive myself for all the past, for being lost.
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| my soul, finally found again |
About one year ago, I graduated from my polarity program. Since it was very near my birthday, one of my instructors gave me a beautiful scarf, and with it, a card that read in part -- the gift of a scarf (in her culture) symbolizes coming home to one's self. That gift made me cry, for I recognized the truth of what she said -- that I had been far away, and was finding my way back to myself. Even now, I am still learning to embrace and appreciate and love my authentic self. I am still learning the complexities of what and who that authentic self is, what I can do, who I am. I feel this will be a journey that will occupy me until I die.
What I would like to leave you with today, is my encouragement to find your own authentic self, and to love that self. Life is worth so much more when you are living your own life and not someone else's. Work is meaningful. Relationships are real and not full of illusion. Peace lives in my heart now, along with love, and compassion, and spiritual connection.
My wish is for you all to find that same peace and love, compassion and connection in yourselves. Joy will follow.
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