To my daughter and son in law, on their wedding day

Some advice from someone who has been there and back, and has the battle scars to prove it.

Every person has their own story, how they view and judge themselves, and that can change from day to day, sometimes even minute to minute.  We  build up stories too, about our friends, our parents, children, and partners -- and the longer we know someone, the more entrenched that story can become, until all we know is that story of how we imagine the other person to be, and we lose sight of who the real person is.  

So pay attention, I tell you.  

Drop the pretense of familiarity, and see who your partner is in every single moment.    

Give each other room to grow, to evolve, to fail, to get up again, and to be human.  

Give yourself permission to change your own story.

Resist the rush to judgement and blame when you are angry or disappointed, and instead look within to tease out and understand your own feelings.   Be brutally honest with yourself, and be compassionate with this person who shares your life.

Be present with yourself, and with your lover.  

Understand that no one person can be everything to another, that you both need friends and activities of your own to enrich yourselves.  When you have that, then you can bring that richness home and share your own delight with your mate.  And your mate can be happy for you, and with you, and be proud of your accomplishments.

Learn new things.  They keep you interesting.  

Talk to each other-- not just about the bills, and who turned the toilet paper the wrong damned way, but about music and art and literature, what to plant in the garden this year, and did you see that the hyacinth shoots are coming up already?  And talk about the deep things.  Be open and vulnerable with each other.  You can choose to avoid intimacy, and you will live … ok.  But you can also choose the deeper path, and go through those times when you think your heart will just break, and learn that you are stronger than you ever thought, and learn also that the world does not actually explode even if you have to say something very difficult.   It is risky, yes, but worth it.

Be a safe refuge for each other.  Remember why you have chosen, today, to walk together.  Lighten each other's load, pull on the same yoke in the same direction, enjoy the ride, laugh a lot.   And most importantly, be kind to each other.  Act from a place of love and not from fear.  Fear leads to jealousy, possessiveness, and a constricted world that gets ever smaller.  Love is expansion, and growth, and tolerance, and encouragement.  

Be love.

February 18, 2013